Beauty and the Beet
Beauty and the Beet The scene opens over St. Canard, aglow beneath the night sky. The "camera" moves among the skyscrapers and zooms in on the Audubon Bay Bridge and Darkwing Tower.
DW's voiceover: This is the city of St. Canard. My city. There must be
a million stories about it, and I know them all.
Inside the Tower, Darkwing turns from the window overlooking the Bay.
DW: All the important ones, anyway. (Leaps away from the window to
stand in front of a safe.) And I keep them all locked in the Secret
Darkwing Files! (Proceeds to unlock the safe; forgets the combination
and has to look on the sole of his foot, where it's written.)
Naturally, not every story is worth telling, but there is one that
stands out--(the safe flies open and a very, very long drawer shoots
out, pushing Darkwing out the window. He clings to the handle, swings
up on top of the drawer, and crawls over the files, continuing his
monologue as though nothing happened)--alone, in a field by itself.
It's the incredible story about a certain villainous vegetable, and its
debut in the world of crime. (Closes the drawer, unwittingly catching
his cape.) It all started at St. Canard University, on a normal spring
day, normal, that is, except for Scientific Research Lab 356.
With the usual flashback ripples, the scene shifts first to a large college, then to the inside of a laboratory crammed with the general lab equipment: vials and beakers full of strange-looking liquids, a rat in a cage playing a violin, etc. 
DW: It was your average research lab, with your average research rats,
research robots (a robot with a a toaster for a head is playing
checkers by itself), and your average research scientists. (Two portly
bespectacled ducks in white coats are playing catch with a potato.)
Average except for Dr. Reggie Bushroot, a man with a passion for
plants.
At the far end of the laboratory, a balding and rather melancholy-looking duck is gently dusting something off the leaves of a small potted plant. He empties the bluish contents of a vial into the soil, then turns and notices the other two scientists, Dr. Gary and Dr. Larson, playing with the potato. (Note: Gary Larson is the creator of the comic strip "The Far Side.) 
Bushroot: Hey, stop it, you guys! Give it back!
Dr. Bushroot runs over and tries to grab the potato away from the two taller ducks, but they play Keep-Away with it, and finally one of the scientists drops the potato and steps on it, smashing it into pulp. Bushroot sits on the floor, lamenting that they've ruined his experimental spud. As he's speaking, a pair of shapely legs beneath a white lab coat walk by behind him. 
DW: It was then that she walked in. Her name was Dr. Rhoda Dendron. It
didn't take a Ph.D. in mathematics to see that she was one hot numeral.
Brown-haired, green-eyed Rhoda smiles coyly into the camera. (Note: a rhododendron is a quite popular flowering shrub.) Dr. Gary and Dr. Larson zip over to say good morning. Dr. Bushroot sits on the floor in front of them, still miserably holding the squashed remains of his potato. Dr. Larson explains that they were just helping Reggie with his research. Rhoda glares and says that she can imagine. She then bends over toward Dr. Bushroot and asks how his experiment is coming. Little hearts flash in Bushroot's eyes. He stands up, mashed potato dripping from his hands, and answers that it's going fine and that he thinks all his research is about to pay off. Dr. Larson laughs and, going over to a duck skeleton, makes its bill move while mocking Bushroot's voice. "Hi, I'm Dr. Reggie Bushroot. I can't do real research, so I play with plants!"
Drs. Gary and Larson laugh some more. Bushroot retorts that he's not playing, that if his research is successful, someday people will get their nutrition just like plants. "We'll be able to snack on sunlight!" Rhoda watches him with a mixture of kindness and pity. Dr. Gary answers that there's no money in nutrition, as he injects something from a very large needle into another potato. He continues that it's not quality people want, it's quantity. Bigger food means bigger profits, and bigger profits mean money, money, money!
"Did I hear someone mention money?" In walks Dean Tightbill. Drs. Gary and Larson zip up and start showering him with compliments on his suit. When Dr. Larson mentions the wonderful pattern on the dean's tie, Tightbill replies that it's ketchup. Rhoda snaps that Dean Tightbill has more important things to do than discuss wardrobe. The dean agrees, saying that he's just been told that they have to cut back on expenses. "And quite frankly, when I think of cutting back, I think of plants." He stares pointedly at Dr. Bushroot.
Bushroot protests that he's so close. Just as he's explaining that all he has to do is integrate the chloroplast from the plants into animals, one of the plants in front of him explodes right in Tightbill's face. Bushroot finds a pair of jumper cables attached to his experiment and accuses Gary and Larson of sabotage. Tightbill tells Bushroot not to blame others for his failure. Rhoda Dendron tries to persuade the dean to give Bushroot more time, but Tightbill refuses and leaves. Rhoda tries to comfort Bushroot, saying that with his experience, he can get work anywhere he wants. Gary and Larson suggest that he could work as a gardener or sell apples on the street corner. Bushroot storms out of the lab, and Rhoda glares at Gary and Larson.
"Fascinating, isn't it?" says Darkwing, only now noticing that his cape is caught in the file drawer. He yanks it out, sits down in a chair, and continues to read aloud about socks and polka-dotted underwear. Launchpad appears and takes the paper away from Darkwing, apologizing that that's his laundry list. Darkwing continues. "Ah, my favorite part. It was a dark and stormy night, when suddenly, the case took a left turn, and headed straight for Demented-ville."
The scene shifts once again, this time to a huge greenhouse lit up by flashes of lightning. Inside, Dr. Bushroot is hastily hooking up a complex machine. Two operating tables stand in the center; a potted flower attached to a tube sits on one of them. As he climbs onto the other table, Dr. Bushroot says that this may be the only chance he has left. Once he proves that his theories work, the dean will have to fund his project again. He asks the flower if it's ready, attaches his arm to the other end of the tube, and pulls a large lever which sends both tables rising upward. "Here's to a better tomorrow!"
The glass panels of the ceiling part, exposing the flower and Dr. Bushroot to the lightning. Lightning strikes almost immediately, and electricity dances over both plant and duck. Bushroot cries out and his eyes start to bug out of his head as green liquid begins flowing from the flower, through the tube, and into his arm. There's an explosion, then silence.
Bushroot awakens inside the greenhouse the next morning, feeling terribly normal. The flower has been fried, and he moans over the sacrifices that must be made for science. Feeling like a worthless fungal parasite, he trudges out into the sunlight, where he suddenly feels a rush of energy surging through his body. The experiment worked, but in a few seconds he begins to turn green. Bushroot refuses to let being green bother him. After all, he's still the same old Reggie. He runs off toward the university, telling himself that the research department will never look at him the same way again, not realizing that petals and leaves are sprouting all over him. Bushroot bursts through the doors of the lab, shouting that it worked. Rhoda turns and drops the beakers she had been holding. Gary and Larson approach Bushroot and say that he's looking a little green around the bill today. Where did he get his hair done, a florist? Bushroot then sees his reflection in Dr. Larson's glasses. "Son of a broccoli! What have I done to myself?" Bushroot turns to Dr. Dendron, but she shrinks back from him. Gary and Larson start singing, "Reggie's a veggie, Reggie's a veggie!"
Bushroot flees the lab and begins walking slowly down a path. "All I ever wanted was to make the world a better place to live. Now look at me. I'm a walking salad bar." Just then, a little dog trots up and starts sniffing the roots that Bushroot's feet have become. Reggie wants no part of this, and he runs from the dog, calling for help. Without warning, a tree grasps the dog by the tail and flings it into a nearby pond. Bushroot thanks the tree, then it hits him that it moved. "But you can't move! But you did move! I must be losing my mind. I gotta sit down for a moment." A large flower pops up behind him, serving as a chair. Bushroot thanks the flower, jumps up in surprise, then sits again. The tree pours some water from a leaf onto the ground, which Bushroot drinks up with his roots. He realizes that he must have some telepathic link with plants. "I'm the Dr. Doolittle of the plant world!" He considers trying to impress the staff at the lab with this new breakthrough, but then tells himself that they'll just laugh at him again and humiliate him in front of Rhoda. Unless, of course, they had a little accident...
Some time later, inside the lab, Drs. Gary and Larson are experimenting with "inflating" a hamburger, as well as the price that would go with it, when the door opens and a number of vines snake in and begin coiling around them...
"It seemed the unsolveable crime," Darkwing narrates. "The police were puzzled, the Feds were frustrated, and the Gardener's Association was stumped. That's when I, Darkwing Duck, the super-sleuth with a mind as sharp as hedge-clippers, entered the case."
Darkwing and Launchpad stand inside the lab. DW plucks a leaf from one of the two lifeless bush-like forms that used to be Dr. Gary and Dr. Larson. Launchpad wonders if these will require a lot of watering. Rhoda Dendron walks in, asking if she can do anything to help. Darkwing answers not unless she has a rake handy. Rhoda asks Darkwing if he thinks Dr. Bushroot did it. Darkwing answers, in a word, "yes," in two words, "most certainly," in three words...
Rhoda interrupts and demands how he can be so sure. Darkwing moves a checker piece on the board in front of the toaster-headed robot and replies that he never makes mistakes. The robot jumps all Darkwing's pieces and says, "King me."
Later, in Dean Tightbill's office, Darkwing and Launchpad have boarded up all the windows and doors. DW says that Bushroot will come after Tightbill next, since this is a classic case of revenge. Besides, a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Tightbill fidgets nervously. Launchpad has just asked Darkwing how they're going to get out of the room when a crashing sound announces the arrival of a huge tree. It bursts through the wall and grabs Dean Tightbill. The dean cries that this is what he gets for being a vegetarian. Darkwing shouts at the tree, distracting it long enough for Tightbill to get away. Bushroot stands close by and says that Darkwing's like all the others, always ruining things for him, and now he's going to have to do to Darkwing what he did to them. Another tree lunges at DW, but he swings from one of its branches and knocks Bushroot down. Dr. Bushroot scrambles away, shouting that Darkwing plays too rough. Before Darkwing can give chase, some ivy grabs Launchpad and him.
Darkwing: This had to be an Ivy League school!
The ivy holds them against the wall while the tree rushes forward to ram them, but Darkwing's buzzsaw cufflinks shave off all its branches. Bushroot makes a beanstalk grow and tries to escape up it, but DW and Launchpad hop into the Ratcatcher and drive right up the stalk, only to suffer a wild ride through the stalk's many loops and finally crash to the ground. At last, a small copse of trees springs up around Bushroot, hiding him while he escapes into a hole in the ground. 
Launchpad: Looks like maybe he decided to get back to his roots.

Darkwing: Very funny.
DW and LP return to the lab, their clothes tattered and full of leaves. Rhoda Dendron tells him how sorry she feels for Dr. Bushroot.
Darkwing retorts that he's the one with the Swiss cheese cape. Rhoda insists that Dr. Bushroot didn't mean it. He wouldn't hurt a fly. "Well, there was that one time, but then we needed the wings for an experiment. If only there were some way I could talk to Dr. Bushroot. I'm sure he could be persuaded to turn over a new leaf. Poor Reginald. It's not like he's always been a criminal. I mean he just hasn't been himself lately."
Bushroot, listening at the window through a couple of flowers connected with a vine, hears everything, and he's suddenly elated. "She called me ‘Reginald'! Rhoda called me ‘Reginald'! Not ‘Dr. Bushroot,' but ‘Reginald'! Oh, I can't believe it. She likes me, she really likes me! All these years we've worked together, I never knew."
Back in the Tower, Darkwing continues his narration. "And so, while Bushroot turned from vengeance-crazed vegetable to passion fruit, I decided to exercise my world-renowned deductive abilities. I checked the minutest details (he peers through his magnifying glass), carefully weighed all the possibilities, (produces a pair of scales from his coat and briefly studies it), and painstakingly examined each clue with staggeringly scrupulous scientific scrutiny (holds a vial under a Bunsen burner until the cork pops off; shoves the burner, still lit, back into his coat). "But little did I realize that the Bushroot scenario was heating up. (He smells the smoke billowing from his coat, whips out the Bunsen burner and blows it out, chuckling with embarrassment.) Er, yes, uh, I was soon to discover that the only thing more dangerous than a deranged half-plant half-duck, is a deranged half-plant half-duck in love!"
In the greenhouse, Bushroot is taking a shower under several watering cans held by trees. He dries off with a leaf, brushes his teeth with a twig, and a bush helps him with a tux and tie. Then he pulls out a weed, coats himself with a little bug spray, and is all set to go. "If Rhoda liked me before, she'll love me now!"
Meanwhile, in the lab, Launchpad is helping DW wrap himself in ivy while Darkwing declares that no walking weed is going to outsmart Darkwing Duck. Rhoda tries to tell him something, but he brushes her off and proceeds to lay out his latest plan. Launchpad tries to let Rhoda speak by tying some ivy around DW's bill, twice, but he shakes it off and tells Launchpad to cut it out. Finally, Rhoda manages to say, "But that's poison ivy!" 
DW:  I see.  Well then.  That explains this incredible itching
sensation.  (He begins to jump around the room, scratching, and finally
slams into a table.  Launchpad compliments him on the crash.  He didn't
even have a plane!)
Just then, the door opens and a red carpet rolls into the room. Flanked by a pair of rosebushes scattering their leaves along the carpet, Dr. Bushroot strolls in, all dressed up and looking very pleased with himself. He approaches Rhoda, calling her his darling.
Launchpad thinks it's romantic, but DW rushes in between them. "Not so fast, flower-face!" The rosebushes yank the carpet out from under DW, Launchpad, and Rhoda, and all three go flying up in the air. Bushroot catches Rhoda and carries her toward the door, saying that Spike will take care of these two. 
LP and DW: "Spike?!"
As Bushroot heads out the door, Rhoda struggling in his arms, a huge Venus fly trap comes lumbering into the room. Bushroot orders Spike to "sic 'em," and Spike obliges, his jaws snapping. Darkwing grabs a bone from the duck skeleton and holds it up. Spike begins panting like a big dog, and Darkwing tosses the bone. Spike rushes off to retrieve it, bringing it back and dropping it in front of DW, who throws the bone as hard as he can out the window. Spike sails after it and disappears. Now, Darkwing and Launchpad have some gardening to do...
Another stormy night over the greenhouse. Bushroot has Rhoda strapped down on one of the tables, with another potted plant on the other. He tells her what a beautiful bride she is and brushes away a tear, saying that this is the happiest day in his life. Rhoda explains that she can't marry Bushroot because she's a working girl and her career means too much to her right now. "Besides, you're a plant, I'm a duck, it'll never work out."
Bushroot answers that he's taken care of that little problem, and connects her arm to the machine and the flower. "Add thirty thousand kilowatts of electricity, and presto, you're the next cover girl of Lawn and Garden!" Rhoda sobs that she doesn't want to be a plant, but Bushroot insists that she'll grow to love it, but first, she'll grow leaves.
He pulls the lever, and as the two tables begin to rise, DW and Launchpad crash down through the glass ceiling. Darkwing demands that Bushroot release Rhoda. Bushroot asks how Darkwing found him. 
DW: Simple!  Your root prints led me right to you!
Bushroot fumes that someone's always standing between him and what he wants, but not anymore! He orders a pumpkin vine to "split that pair," and two pumpkins are hurled at the heroes. DW dodges, but LP is hit and ends up with a pumpkin stuck on his head. A tomato plant flings its fruit at Darkwing, but he manages to pluck it from its soil. Rhoda is steadily being lifted, now screaming for help.
Darkwing whips out a weedeater and pursues Bushroot with it. "Sorry, but it's time to prune your wedding plans!" Just when DW has Bushroot cornered, the weedeater runs out of gas. A tree comes up and breaks the weedeater in half. Darkwing rushes out of the tree's reach, climbs onto a riding mower, and heads for Bushroot. The plant-duck takes off, screaming, then, with a cluster of lilies, sends a cloud of pollen in Darkwing's direction. The crimefighter sneezes so hard that he falls off the back of the mower. Spike appears from out of nowhere and drops the bone beside DW. "Uh...good boy, Spike!" He throws the bone once more, and Spike leaps after it.
The panels of the ceiling open, exposing Rhoda to the lightning-filled sky. Her cries for help intensify. Launchpad staggers past, the pumpkin still stuck on his head, and Darkwing growls, "Let's get dangerous!" 
Bushroot: I'll give you dangerous!
A cactus fires its needles at Darkwing. He ducks, and the needles lodge themselves in a wall behind him. Darkwing uses the needles to climb up the wall to a cable in an electrical outlet. Sparks fly as he yanks it out and swings down on it, and the tables begin to lower. 
Bushroot: No!  You're ruining everything!
Darkwing swings onto the seat of the riding mower and accelerates it. Bushroot summons a vine to lasso Darkwing and stuff him into a pot of soil. 
Bushroot: Let's see how you like being trimmed!
A sunflower has taken over operation of the mower, and it heads straight for Darkwing, whose arms are pinned to his sides in the soil. He frantically tries digging himself out with his bill, and makes it just in time to grab onto an overhanging vine and pull himself to safety. Bushroot tries to get out of the way of the mower, knocking over a table in the process. The mower hits the table and flies upward, coming down right on top of Bushroot. Darkwing averts his eyes and grimaces. "Succotash!" He removes his hat. Launchpad finally gets the pumpkin off his head. 
LP:  Yyyuck!
Darkwing then notices the tables back on the ground. He sees the flower, thinks it's Rhoda, and begs it to forgive him for being too late. 
Rhoda: Who are you talking to, Mr. Darkwing?
DW realizes that Rhoda is still lying on the other table beside him, and explains that he was just checking for medflies.

The scene returns to Darkwing reading from the file. "Quite a story, eh?" He hears snoring and glares at Launchpad napping in a corner. He whacks Launchpad over the head with the file folder. 

LP:   Er, er, right, DW!  Well, I guess that just goes to show you, you
may have to eat your vegetables, but you don't have to like ‘em.
*

Morning dawns over the greenhouse. Inside, a lettuce-like plant stirs slightly, and Bushroot's bills peers out of the leaves. "Aahhh, my own little place in the sun. And before you know it, I'll be back on my roots again. Hey, how about some water over here, and a little fertilizer, and maybe a little soft music, that'd be nice..."

(Fade-out)