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A dark alleyway, with sirens in the distance: we see Darkwing’s shadow first, then the duck himself as he comes running, barely keeping ahead of the blue blasts of an electro-gun. He tries in vain to scramble up a brick wall at the end of the alley, then turns to face his pursuant, heart pounding. Megavolt: So, how do you wanna go, Darkwing? Regular…or extra crispy? Darkwing: What about…peacefully, in my sleep? At an obscenely old age? Megavolt fires his electro gun, blasting a hole in the wall behind DW, who cries out desperately for help, mournful violin music accompanying his piteous pleas. Megavolt shoots, missing, and Darkwing makes a break for it, knocking Megs to the ground as he runs past. Megs shoots again. Just as this blast is about to get Darkwing in the backside, we suddenly hear a voiceover by DW—"Hold it!" The frame freezes, and suddenly we see that it is comprised of the panels of a comic book, which Darkwing is reading, flabbergasted. "I can’t believe this—This is—it’s—it’s—" He is interrupted by a porcine business man in a suit, who is seated at a desk: "It’s gripping, isn’t it? We at the Awesome Comic Book Corporation have the very highest hopes for this issue. Frankly, Mr. Darkwing, we smell a blockbuster hit." DW: Oh, it’s not hard to smell this thing, sir—[LEAPS ONTO THE PIG’S DESK]-because it stinks!! Darkwing proceeds with his complaint: the comic has nothing to do with reality! The pig man tries to say that they were only taking dramatic license in an attempt to humanize Darkwing’s character. DW: [ANGRY SNORT] Your dramatic license [SNORT] has just [SNORT] been revoked! …. This thing would ruin me. I’d be a laughing stock. No villain would cower before me again. Look, Bub, little impressionable children all over the world will be reading this. [MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC] How can they pattern their lives after me, if they think I’m a coward? Darkwing says that he will undertake the creation of this comic himself. Switch to a peaceful shot of the Mallard family home. Inside, Drake has holed up in his room, to the disappointment of Gosalyn and Launchpad, who both want to see the comic. Drake is having nothing doing: he doesn’t want anyone to see it until it’s fixed, and he wants complete concentration: this thing calls for a total rewrite! Drake: Fortunately I’m just the one with the honesty to give it the gritty realism it needs. [CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES] "In a word, Darkwing Duck was—" hmm, does "phenomenal" have one F or two?" [BEGINS TYPING] What follows is a montage of comic panels as Drake debates to himself the virtues of various adjectives to describe himself, before getting down to the business of establishing the scene. We see Darkwing throw open a bathroom door, aiming his gasgun as he does. He is here to investigate the mysterious disappearance of Safety Inspector Number 16. A large hole has been blown in the wall opposite in the shape of the Safety Inspector’s body. Interestingly, this is obviously in the shape of Goofy’s body, such as might be seen in one of the many Disney "How to" shorts that Goofy was in during the 50’s and 60’s. Darkwing deduces that he was blown through the wall by some unknown force. Launchpad: The Safety Inspector had an accident? But they’re usually so careful! This was no accident, says Darkwing, and begins to examine a hair dryer he finds lying on the scene. Launchpad plugs it in, and it blows Darkwing through the wall in the same manner it must have done the Safety Inspector. It appears, as an agonized and toothless DW remarks before collapsing, to have been tampered with. Another montage of comic panels follows, accompanied by the sounds of typing and by Drake’s narration. Other mysterious accidents begin occurring, including the attack on a top-ranking official by a toaster oven. Darkwing realizes that only one person is capable of such acts, and that’s his "arch villainous arch rival, Megavolt". Just then there is the sound of knocking and Darkwing tells Launchpad to get the Ratcatcher’s engine checked. Drake looks at what he has typed, puzzled: he doesn’t remember any engine knocking. Then he realizes that it’s the door in real life. Gos has made her father some lemonade—she hands the glass to him and darts past as he begins gratefully (obviously not noticing the "lemonade’s" greenish tinge) to sip it. A second later he is breathing fire—what’s in this?! Gosalyn: [SITTING AT DRAKE’S DESK] Just lemons, Dad—unless those were jalapenos. [DRAKE, CLUTCHING HIS THROAT, RACES INTO WHAT IS PRESUMABLY THE MALLARD FAMILY BATHROOM] They must have been jalapenos. In her dad’s absence she begins to read what he has written. She is less than enthralled: "Oh great, Dad, this is about as exciting as watching cement dry." But, being Gos, she knows just how to go about improving it. Gos: [TYPING] "Having run out of food on Mars…the giant flesh-eating slug monster has come to Earth to satisfy its gruesome appetite!" Another montage of panels, and we see a meteor fall to Earth, a huge green salivating slug appear in the streets of St. Canard. This, by the way, has been debated to be an appearance by the never seen Dr. Slug, who has been mentioned a couple times in the series, including his description as "Public Enemy No. 1" in the episode "The Quiverwing Quack". LP: Look out, Darkwing, a giant slug monster from Mars! DW: No, Launchpad, it’s a giant flesh-eating slug monster from Mars! Megavolt, DW says, will just have to wait while he saves the planet from this menace. He tries to make a Quack Fu kick at the enormous slug but bounces off its rubbery body, hitting a wall—which is covered with an enormous poster advertising Darkwing comics, parodying the super hero movie genre’s habit of placing obvious plugs wherever possible. What a way to go, exclaims Launchpad: "done in by a plain old garden pest!" This gives Darkwing an idea and he races off—though not before borrowing a couple bucks off of Launchpad. Seconds later he returns with his purchase of common household salt, the one thing that a slimy slithering slug is afraid of. Needless to say, Darkwing is very pleased with himself. LP: Uh, DW, don’t I have some change coming? DW: [ANNOYED AS HE HANDS LP HIS MONEY BEFORE RETURNING TO THE BUSINESS AT HAND] Sorry I didn’t get a receipt. [SHOOTS THE SALT AT THE SLUG WITH HIS GASGUN. IT SHRINKS TO THE SIZE OF A MOUSE AND BOUNCES OFF, WHIMPERING PATHETICALLY.] One order of escargot to go! Darkwing and Launchpad take off again on the Ratcatcher, on their way to deal with Megavolt. Meanwhile, back in the real world, Gosalyn is delighted with how the story is coming along. What should she put in next? "Maybe a zombie with a huge axe or a—" Suddenly she is grabbed by her father, who has returned from his visit to the bathroom and is looking less than amused. Drake: [DANGLING GOS BY HER SHIRT COLLAR] I do hate to interrupt—but what are you doing?! Gos: Uh, love to stay and chat, Dad, but my bike’s double-parked! [ESCAPES] Drake decides that maybe he won’t be disturbed if he takes his work to the attic. Now to get his train of thought back on track… Launchpad and Darkwing speed through the streets of St. Canard. Darkwing quickly perceives Megavolt’s malevolent influence on the city lighting. He stops the Ratcatcher outside of the bank Megs has holed up in. DW: So, Plug-Head is pillaging the Daylight Savings and Loan, eh? It’s all over, Megavolt! I’m putting you behind bars in a dry cell! Megavolt: Over my dead batteries! Eat amperes, duck! He then proceeds to explain himself: just because he had missed paying a power bill or two, the power company had threatened to shut him off in the middle of the greatest scheme of his career! LP: Yeah, that’d be just like ‘em. Darkwing, meanwhile, is dodging the blasts of Megavolt’s electro-gun: he’s going to stop this high-voltage lowlife if it’s the last thing he—at this point he is interrupted by Launchpad, who has a vital question to ask: "Do you know much about washing machines?" "What?!" exclaims Drake as he yanks his head up from the typewriter in response to Launchpad’s question, in real life. Launchpad proceeds: if he had dropped a box of soap in the washer and the lid was stuck shut with the thing on high, what would happen? "I suppose the washer might explode in a mountain of suds," says the puzzled Drake, just as there is the sound of an enormous explosion from below. "I was afraid it’d be something like that," says Launchpad, with an amused glance at the audience. Somehow he doesn’t look very regretful that the situation is taking Drake away from his comic—leaving Launchpad conveniently alone with the unfinished manuscript. LP: Boy, that DW’s really something. Starring in his own comic book—just like Mickey Mouse! Launchpad himself has always been partial to those old Wild West comic books—in fact, he can see just such a theme for DW’s comic book. "Something like ‘Death Valley Duck’. Now that’d be great…." In the comic, we see the city of St. Canard replaced by the mesas of the Wild West. Darkwing, in his new Death Valley Duck outfit (cartoon cowboy garb topped by an enormous ten-gallon hat with an arrow sticking through it), is on his way to apprehend that renegade Big Chief Power Bill. "Say, sidekick—do Ah sound different to you?" Death Valley asks, suddenly puzzled by his exaggerated new Texan accent, of Launchpad, who is mounted on an absurdly tiny horse. "No, I reckon ya sure ‘nuff sound same as ever, heh heh heh heh." The two ride—or at least Death Valley rides, Launchpad runs after his little horse—through a cartoon desert setting until Death Valley dramatically reins his horse in, driving it into the ground in the process and hops off, calling for the Big Chief (Megavolt in his usual outfit, as well as a loin cloth, two huge feathers stuck through his plug helmet and with his battery pack replaced by a quiver of arrows) to surrender. Big Chief: Will be many moons over Miami before Big Chief gives up! He looses an arrow at Death Valley, which now decorates the duck’s hat along with the first arrow. Death Valley dives behind a boulder with Launchpad, who observes that the brave is pretty brave, for a coward. Death Valley calls again for Big Chief’s surrender—but is interrupted by a pie in the face. Death Valley: What is this—Custard’s Last Stand? BC: Hah, that my assistant, [STEPS ASIDE TO REVEAL A SMALL CREATURE IN CARTOON INDIAN GARB OF MEGAVOLT’S OWN SPECIES’ PERSUASION] Little Running Gag! [LITTLE RUNNING GAG THROWS ANOTHER PIE, THIS ONE HITTING LAUNCHPAD] DV: Surrender, Big Chief! You’re surrounded by an army of twelve thousand soldiers! [ASIDE, IN HIS NORMAL VOICE] It’s an old military ploy we call "lying". BC: Duck born with silver spoon in mouth speak with forked tongue. If you can dish it out, I can take it. DV: [ASIDE] Much more of this and I’ll have a full place setting. [TO THE BIG CHIEF] Ah’m a givin’ you one kilowatt hour to—[THE BIG CHIEF LOOSES A NUMBER OF ARROWS IN RAPID SUCCESSION, WHICH ALL STRIKE AND DEFLATE DEATH VALLEY’S ENORMOUS HAT] Then again, considerin’ the shoddy treatment your people have historically received, perhaps we can drop the whole matter, hmm? The Big Chief is having nothing doing. Death Valley has to do a fancy dance to avoid the shower of arrows that follows, before he tries to dive behind the boulder again— —just as the typewriter jams in real life. Launchpad, in an attempt to fix the problem, accidentally gets his thumb caught under a key and is trying to free himself, just as Drake reappears at the top of the attic stairs—incongruously, wearing his Darkwing costume. This is one of the more common mistakes animators have made in the series, putting the wrong costume on Darkwing/Drake at the wrong time. Has Launchpad been reading his comic book? "Who, me?" asks Launchpad, less than believably, as he struggles to free himself from the typewriter, which goes flying. It is caught, miraculously, by Drake, who, likewise miraculously, is suddenly back in his usual civilian garb. He’s got to find somewhere he can get some privacy. So now he decides on the garage, where he starts to go over what has been typed so far. Drake: Where was I? Oh yeah. I’ve just chased Megavolt to the power company building, where I was going to…finish him off, and why—why am—why am I wearing a cowboy hat? Oh, heh, must have been a typo. In the comic, the Wild West is replaced by the city of St. Canard once again and Death Valley poofs back into his usual Darkwing costume. He advances on Megavolt, prepared to pull the plug on the super villain. Megavolt says that he has just perfected his new patent pending remote control, with which he can vary the electric company’s power output at will. He runs in the power company building and into an elevator. Darkwing and Launchpad take the adjoining elevator to chase him, which seems to have a mind of its own: Megavolt’s voice over the broadcast system ("Going…up?") reveals that he is controlling the elevator. He sends it up and down, "pancaking" Darkwing and Launchpad in typical cartoon manner first against the floor, then against the ceiling, then against the floor again as he sends them soaring up and finally out of the building in into outer space: "I hope you have elevator insurance!" As the elevator begins to plummet back towards Earth— DW: Let’s see, a fourteen mile drop at something approaching the speed of light. We could be in for a rough landing, LP! <<Commercial Break>> The elevator is plummeting towards Earth. In real life, though, Drake’s typing is interrupted by the arrival of Binky Muddlefoot—"Oh no, not that saccharine suburbanite!"—from next door. She is wondering if he might have some brown cinnamon she can borrow. Drake: [ASIDE] Did Hemmingway have this problem? Of course not. He didn’t live next door to the Muddlefoots. [TO BINKY] I’ll get you a whole cinnamon tray, Binky! [LEAVES] Binky: Oh, thank you, but a half a cup will do! Needless to say, it is now Binky who discovers Drake’s work in progress. At first enchanted, she becomes shocked at the, in her opinion, violent subject matter. Binky: Why, my stars, with reading material like this, it’s no wonder so many children grow up to be cruel, despotic dictators! Now, how can I make this a little less deplorable and a little more adorable? She too begins to wreak her own cruelties on the comic: suddenly, "It was a beautiful spring morning…" In the comic, we see an idealized landscape, replete with butterflies and birdsong, accompanied by Binky’s voice-over: "…and little Mister Bunny was as happy as can be. He happily hip-hop-hip-hopped up to Robin Redbreast and said—" Mister Bunny suddenly leans against the tree on which Robin Redbreast is perched and says in the irritated voice of Drake Mallard, "Would you mind clearing out of here, I’d like to be alone." Robin Redbreast is shocked. So is the narrating Binky Muddlefoot. She tries again, but this time little Mister Bunny is even ruder: "You don’t want to make me lose my temper, do you?!" In the real world, Binky does not understand why this is coming out of her typing. The source, of course, is the less-than-pleased Drake, who is back with the brown cinnamon and annoyed to see yet another person interfering with his creation. "I guess there’s only one place I can be sure I won’t be disturbed!" That place, of course, is Darkwing Tower. Drake, now in his Darkwing costume, perches on a ledge, manuscript stacked by his side and typewriter on his lap. At last he can finish this thing in peace. In the comic, Little Mister Bunny and Robin Redbreast look up to see what appears to be a meteor—actually, it’s the elevator Darkwing and Launchpad are in, plummeting towards their storybook utopia. They run away and the elevator hits, making a hole in the ground, out of which Darkwing and Launchpad pull themselves. Darkwing is puzzled as to their surroundings: "Say LP, where are we, anyway?" Launchpad responds, "Ya got me, DW, but it sure is—cute!" They don’t have time to admire the scenery, though: they have to go stop Mega—just then, Darkwing is interrupted by a pie in the face. We see that Binky’s storybook setting merges with Launchpad’s Wild West, and that Little Running Gag is standing there, rocking back and forth on his heels. DW: [SCRAPING PIE OF HIS FACE AND LOOKING AT THE AUDIENCE] I may have to hurt that guy. [LITTLE RUNNING GAG WAVES GOODBYE AND SCOOTS OFF, WEAVING COMICALLY] LP: Aw, don’t be too hard on him, DW—he’s just a— DW: I know, I know, I know: he’s just a little running gag! At this point Darkwing, who is looking behind himself as he speaks, walks right into an enormous coffee mug. This is an interesting touch: evidently this coffee mug is meant to be the same one that, in real life, Darkwing the writer is using to weigh down his manuscript as he types at the Tower. In the comic, Darkwing and Launchpad walk past the coffee mug. Darkwing shoots his grappling hook and Launchpad clings to him as they sail off and into a montage of cityscape comic panels. Back in St. Canard, in the power company office, Megavolt is sitting behind a huge desk. MV: Hah, they called me mad! They called me insane!—and they were right. But I’m running things now! Suddenly Darkwing and Launchpad swing in through the window on DW’s grappling hook. Megavolt, unperturbed, uses his remote to bind Launchpad with an electric light and to sick a vacuum cleaner on Darkwing, which soon binds him with the electric cord trailing behind him. Megavolt explains: he had been all ready to pay his power bill after "borrowing" some money from the bank, when he suddenly thought, why not just take over the place? Now he leaves, on his way to dominate the city. Darkwing frees himself from the vacuum cleaner’s clutches, taking "a good seventeen inches off my waistline in the process!" He then pulls the plug on the electric light, freeing Launchpad as well, and runs over to the window with the pilot, preparing to jump. DW: Come on, Launchpad, let’s get dangerous!" LP: Do we have to get that dangerous, DW? Couldn’t we just take the [YELLS AS DARKWING JUMPS, YANKING LAUNCHPAD AFTER HIM] stairs! Megavolt, down below, walks out of the power company building, pleased with himself MV: The whole city is mine! And to think I never even finished Reform School! Just then, however, Launchpad and Darkwing drift down on the power of DW’s cape, which he is using like a parachute, to land in front of Megavolt. Darkwing uses his web-kick to knock the remote out of Megavolt’s hand and catches it in his own. In real life, Darkwing is getting carried away with what he’s writing. Cheering his comic book self on and swinging his coffee mug enthusiastically, he accidentally knocks his manuscript off the ledge. "My masterpiece! My baby!" The pages go sailing in the direction of a certain lighthouse…. …where Megavolt is sitting at a table, romancing a light bulb. MV: Oh my sweet darling! You’re the ampere of my eye! [THE PAGES OF DW’S MANUSCRIPT BLOW IN THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SMACK MEGS IN THE FACE] What’s this? A comic book! [HORRIFIED] A comic book starring Darkwing Duck? What’s the world coming to?! Megavolt, giving the thing a cursory read, proceeds to throw a mild tantrum—no, this is wrong, all wrong, "and in definite need of repair!" Beginning to type on a rather overly convenient typewriter: "Ok, as Darkwing Duck and the misunderstood genius Megavolt struggled for the remote control device…." In the comic, we see Megavolt yank the remote back from Darkwing. "I’ve had all I’m gonna take from you, duck!" He aims the remote at himself and presses a button, growing to become a giant. "Behold! I am the new, the improved, mega maximum mondo Megavolt!" Darkwing and Launchpad back away in terror as the gigantic Megavolt aims his electro-gun at them. "And you, duck, are toast." <<Commercial Break>> Darkwing and Launchpad jump back to avoid being stepped on. As Megavolt draws his electro-gun, Darkwing says, "It would appear, Launchpad, that our best hope would be—" Megavolt shoots a blast at them, "—a tactical retreat!" They run down the street and around a corner to lean, panting, against the glass front of a bookstore, in which can be seen a display advertising Darkwing comics. DW: Don’t worry, Launchpad—Megavolt may have superior size, he may have superior power, but I have superior intellect! [AT THIS POINT THE GIANT MEGS LEAPS OUT AND AIMS A BLAST THAT DISINTEGRATES THE MAILBOX IN FRONT OF THEM] Then again, let’s not undersell size and power. Darkwing and Launchpad run for it again, this time running in the open door of a house. Megavolt blasts the house, leaving only its ashy framework standing over Darkwing and Launchpad. Darkwing, perplexed, looks for a way out of this situation—and is hit in the face with a pie, seemingly out of nowhere. "I was wondering what happened to you," DW says with a forced smile to Little Running Gag, who waves and ambles off again. The two crime fighters try going down a nearby manhole, thinking that Megavolt is too big to follow. He is, so he just aims a blast through the manhole and they jump out of another one further down the street with singed backsides. As they take off— —we see some of the pages of Darkwing’s manuscript laying on the ground, and then Darkwing himself as he stoops to pick them up. "Oh, why can’t I get a break—this thing’s due tomorrow!" As a gust of wind sends some of the pages flying away from him: "Even the wind’s against me!" They are blowing towards the lighthouse, which Darkwing realizes is familiar…. In the lighthouse, Megavolt is delighted with how things are going with the story—though not with the latest development in real life, which is Darkwing’s arrival at the lighthouse. "Tampering with my masterpiece, eh?" MV: Ooh! Don’t you know how to knock? DW: Your little game is over, you revolting revisionist! Give it back [GRABS THE MANUSCRIPT FROM MEGS] so I can finish off the scene where I finish you off! MV: Wrong! [YANKS IT BACK] In the last scene I’m gonna finish you off! DW: Sorry, pal, this thing’s reality-based! You don’t stand a chance against me! MV: That’s what you think, you hackneyed hack! In this edition, I’m now ten times bigger and more powerful. He shows Darkwing the comic’s most recent developments, and the duck is understandably indignant. DW: What?! What kind of science fiction are you trying to write? If anything, says Darkwing, Megs oughta be twenty times smaller. In the comic we see Megavolt shrink in response to Darkwing’s words. However, he says, giving in to Megavolt’s protestations, he can beat the villain no matter what size he is, so he allows Megavolt to keep his giant stature. The comic Megavolt holds his electro-gun trained on Darkwing and Launchpad, who cower before them, when suddenly a cuddly-looking gray rabbit in a red cape, recognizable as Little Mr. Bunny from Binky’s version of the comic, steps between them and the super villain. DW: Whew! Saved by my faithful pet, Super Bunny. [DOUBLE TAKE] Wait a minute. Since when do I have a faithful pet named "Super Bunny"? [SUPER BUNNY TURNS AND MAKES FISTICUFF GESTURES AT THE GIANT MEGAVOLT] MV: [AMUSED] It’s a little early for Easter, isn’t it? [HE GIVES SUPER BUNNY A TINY NUDGE WITH HIS ENORMOUS BOOT AND SENDS THE RABBIT FLYING] DW: [CATCHING SUPER BUNNY BY THE CAPE] Listen, Super B., there’s only room for one hero in this comic book, and I got the job. So beat it! [A WOE-BE-GONE SUPER BUNNY TRUDGES AWAY] Never send a bunny to do a duck’s job. Just then Megavolt begins to charge up in an ominous manner. Launchpad throws open the door to a house, calling for Darkwing to follow. They find themselves in the cute storybook setting of Binky’s version of the comic. DW: Good going, Launchpad! You’ve—[SUDDENLY SEES THE SLUG MONSTER FROM GOSALYN’S VERSION OF THE COMIC DEVOURING THE BACKDROP]—gotten us in an even bigger jam. I’ve heard of eating the scenery, but this is ridiculous. Suddenly the two horses from Launchpad’s version of the comic amble onto the scene. "Strange, yes, but I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Hi-ho, Silver, away!" They ride between the legs of the giant Megavolt, who exclaims, "That’s cheating!" as he pursues them onto the Wild Western backdrop from Launchpad’s version of the comic. Darkwing and Launchpad get off of their horses just as Megavolt catches up. "Alright, duck! This is gonna be your final scene!" Launchpad is understandably worried—however, Darkwing has one last trick up his sleeve. "Ah hah, just what we need right now: a refreshing cup of coffee!" The two ducks run towards the giant coffee mug from earlier and, getting behind it, push it over, catching the giant Megavolt in a huge coffee puddle and short-circuiting him. DW: Taste java, Battery-Brain! MV: [WAVES OF ELECTRICITY PASSING OVER HIS BODY] Aaaah! I’ve been…percolated! Megavolt, in real life, states his disappointment to the accompaniment of a violin: how come Darkwing gets to win? DW: Because…villain…it’s my comic book. I’d love to chew the fat, babe, but I’m late for a date with comic book immortality. See ya in the funny papers, pal! As he leaves via the lighthouse’s spiral staircase, a disgruntled Megavolt pushes back the carriage on his typewriter and, in an interesting effect, the screen shatters— --to reveal the locale for the next scene: the Awesome Comic Book Corporation building. In the pig man’s office, Darkwing examines his nails, affecting complete cool, while the porcine business man goes over the manuscript for the comic book. "Well…." begins the man. "Yes?" says Darkwing eagerly. "I hate it," says the pig man. "No!" cries Darkwing. Pig: Yes! I’m also repelled, repulsed, reviled and revolted by it! In addition, I loathe and abhor it, not to mention despising and detesting it! However…. "How-however?" However, the pig man goes on, he is intrigued by the rabbit character, and plans to spin off a new comic book: "The Adventures of Super Bunny"! At this unctuous statement Darkwing splutters incoherently for a moment, then pulls himself together: he has only one response to this development, he says, and, putting his fingers in his mouth, whistles. The pig man looks around and is hit in the face by a pie. DW: [PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND LITTLE RUNNING GAG’S SHOULDERS] Come, come, Little Running Gag. Let’s see if we can sell this epic to Disney. [TO THE AUDIENCE] Maybe they’ll make a…TV series out of it. Darkwing closes the door behind him and the camera cuts to black. <<End Episode>> |